It's in my blood
Apr. 18th, 2012 08:18 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zeccyLife recap:
-work still sucks. I'm still underappreciated and not respected by Disney managers and some of my new cast members. And I still wear the stupid costume.
-Old friends do not make good roommates. Accordingly, old friends should give more notice before deciding not to renew leases, leaving me with less than a month to find a new place to live.
-Moving to a nicer area in less than two weeks. 0% done on started packing and cleaning. That is proportional to exactly how many fucks I give.
-Ended my relationship of five years and discovered that I have no fucking idea how to live without a boyfriend.
Let's put this into perspective.
I've spent the last five years in a (not so healthy) relationship. During these five years I stopped seeing my friends, disobeyed my parents, sneaked out in the middle of the night, lied to my best friends, cheated, dropped out of college, pissed off my grandparents (almost getting disowned), and ran away to Orlando.
Running away to Orlando was a huge wake up call. I've been here now for three years, and I have completely matured. I feed myself, pay my own bills, clean my own apartment, even signed my name on a lease or two. And I realized that throughout all of that, I outgrew my boyfriend. I haven't been in love with him for a while now, and I have stayed with him because it was easier than being alone and I didn't know how to be Amanda, not Amanda-and-Cody.
So, I broke up with him. It's been over a week, and yea... it still sucks. I've been upset, daresay even depressed, but it's been because I've closed a chapter of my life and I mourn the loss of who Cody could have been. Breakups suck no matter who did the actual breaking up. It's hard.
But as the days are going by... I'm starting to feel less and less sad... and more liberated. I went through my phone and changed all of my "fake contacts" (people he didn't want me to talk to) to their real names. I don't have to worry about going out to a bar and having to be back before midnight. I don't have to worry about angry phone calls demanding to know who I'm with. I don't have to worry about a bazillion texts accusing me of being with someone when I just fell asleep on the couch.
I can live my life again.
That's huge for me, because I have no idea how to live as Amanda. I know how to live as Amanda-and-Cody, but just me? That's hard. I'm slowly getting my feet under me again. A beach trip here, a night out there... Slowly but surely I'm figuring out who I am again.
It's kind of awesome.
I don't want to date anyone. Not right now. It's hard to give your heart to someone when it's still tender, so I'm flying solo for a while. Hell, I don't even want one-night-stands or anything. Sometime over the past three years my sex drive crashed and burned into a million burning pieces, and it's an effort just to think about that sort of thing right now. Who knows if- or when- it will come back.
On the plus side, it is rather nice not to have to worry about that.
So here I am, at work, on the internet, ignoring guests. Cuz I don't give a fuck. Doing some naval gazing and wishing like hell I had my best friend (here's to you, Dames) here with me so we could do something stupid and crazy. Like join the National Guard (which I may or may not be considering). Or get arrested. Or pass out drunk in a ditch.
SOON.
-work still sucks. I'm still underappreciated and not respected by Disney managers and some of my new cast members. And I still wear the stupid costume.
-Old friends do not make good roommates. Accordingly, old friends should give more notice before deciding not to renew leases, leaving me with less than a month to find a new place to live.
-Moving to a nicer area in less than two weeks. 0% done on started packing and cleaning. That is proportional to exactly how many fucks I give.
-Ended my relationship of five years and discovered that I have no fucking idea how to live without a boyfriend.
Let's put this into perspective.
I've spent the last five years in a (not so healthy) relationship. During these five years I stopped seeing my friends, disobeyed my parents, sneaked out in the middle of the night, lied to my best friends, cheated, dropped out of college, pissed off my grandparents (almost getting disowned), and ran away to Orlando.
Running away to Orlando was a huge wake up call. I've been here now for three years, and I have completely matured. I feed myself, pay my own bills, clean my own apartment, even signed my name on a lease or two. And I realized that throughout all of that, I outgrew my boyfriend. I haven't been in love with him for a while now, and I have stayed with him because it was easier than being alone and I didn't know how to be Amanda, not Amanda-and-Cody.
So, I broke up with him. It's been over a week, and yea... it still sucks. I've been upset, daresay even depressed, but it's been because I've closed a chapter of my life and I mourn the loss of who Cody could have been. Breakups suck no matter who did the actual breaking up. It's hard.
But as the days are going by... I'm starting to feel less and less sad... and more liberated. I went through my phone and changed all of my "fake contacts" (people he didn't want me to talk to) to their real names. I don't have to worry about going out to a bar and having to be back before midnight. I don't have to worry about angry phone calls demanding to know who I'm with. I don't have to worry about a bazillion texts accusing me of being with someone when I just fell asleep on the couch.
I can live my life again.
That's huge for me, because I have no idea how to live as Amanda. I know how to live as Amanda-and-Cody, but just me? That's hard. I'm slowly getting my feet under me again. A beach trip here, a night out there... Slowly but surely I'm figuring out who I am again.
It's kind of awesome.
I don't want to date anyone. Not right now. It's hard to give your heart to someone when it's still tender, so I'm flying solo for a while. Hell, I don't even want one-night-stands or anything. Sometime over the past three years my sex drive crashed and burned into a million burning pieces, and it's an effort just to think about that sort of thing right now. Who knows if- or when- it will come back.
On the plus side, it is rather nice not to have to worry about that.
So here I am, at work, on the internet, ignoring guests. Cuz I don't give a fuck. Doing some naval gazing and wishing like hell I had my best friend (here's to you, Dames) here with me so we could do something stupid and crazy. Like join the National Guard (which I may or may not be considering). Or get arrested. Or pass out drunk in a ditch.
SOON.